Confession of a Soldier
by Socially Introverted
Summary: Lightning also has a confession to make regarding her feelings for Fang. She takes an interesting journey within herself. Rated T because it's totally innocent.


**A/N: Some people asked me to make a story based on Fang's confession and others wished to read Lightning's side. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to pull it off since I'm not a Lightning type at all. It's easier for me to write Fang because I relate to her more personality wise. Maybe some readers will say: "But that's not Lightning! She's vulnerable!" Well that's the whole purpose when you write a confession where you express your secret feelings for someone. You expose yourself. I particularly like this piece and I hope you'll enjoy reading as much as I did writing it.**

**Lighting Farron and other characters from Final Fantasy XIII belong to Square Enix. I don't want to make any profit, I just enjoy getting into their heads. ;)**

**Happy reading.**

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**Confession of a Soldier**

_Dear Fang_

_I know I'm supposed to meet you at our usual place. You know that little café we found one day while taking a walk? I'll be late today and I'm sorry in advance because you know me; I'm never late and I hate people who are. It just makes me realize that you're always late when we meet somewhere even though you know how much I hate it. You just walk in there without a care in the world, making sure you've been desired enough and you can probably see by the hard set of my jaw how annoyed I am but it doesn't bother you in the slightest. Seriously, there are days where I wonder why I still put up with you but I do._

_This time the tables are turned and I'm the one who won't show up in time and I'll even use a white lie to cover my lateness, which is unusual for me. I'll pretend I had stuff to finish at work even though it's not the case. Everything's done and my desk is clean so I should head out and meet you but I'm not ready to do that yet. Being late has a purpose because I always do things for a reason._

_I remember once you told me that when things got too overwhelming for you, when you felt like you were lost, you'd sit down and you'd write your thoughts on paper. I have to admit, this side of you really surprised me. I always thought you were the kind of woman who resolved her issues with her lance or her fists combined with her loud mouth._

_I don't know if writing will do me good but I'm willing to give it a try though it wouldn't be my first option. I'd blow up some steam with my gunblade or just punch Snow in the face for no reason. But I guess this time, letting it out physically wouldn't be enough so writing it is. Maybe I'll be able to get rid of these nasty feelings. Feelings... Tch. My face scrunches up in disgust when I pronounce that word or even when I think about it. It's the epitome of weakness. Feelings paralyze you. You can't think and you can't act._

_I remember clearly when I saw you the first time. You sat behind Snow, as he rode on the Shiva sisters on gestalt mode, right in the middle of Palumpolum's Grand Plaza. You had a PSICOM rifle and you were shooting at everything in your sight. Eden! Your aim was less than adequate. I shoved Hope behind me, trying to protect him from the Sanctum and you! That's how careless, how dangerous you were. Then Snow stopped his bike in a screeching of tires – because he can't make a normal entrance like everybody else – and I saw you._

_The first thing I thought was: "Here's another idiot tagging along with my sister's stupid boyfriend; another NORA fan." I disliked you from the start. You were in my way, keeping me from completing my mission. If it wasn't enough, you decided to follow me, dared take point and give me orders to fall in behind like I was a recruit! You even pushed your luck by telling me to 'cool off that head of mine'. I so wanted to make you swallow those words if it hadn't been for that hypnotic deep voice of yours and that peculiar accent. I had never heard someone speak the way you did before. _

_Then I noticed that brand on your arm. It was similar to mine though different at the same time. I became suspicious. When I asked who you were, you told me you were a l'Cie. Not only that but a Pulse l'Cie as well. You were the famous enemy Cocoon was so afraid of. I had never seen a Pulsian before. You looked like a normal woman to me. Exotically beautiful but normal nonetheless; not at all like the monster described in our folklore to scare children at night. You may have been from Pulse but you were a l'Cie just like me. You were as lost and confused as I was, desperately looking for your partner. You explained to me why Cocoon was in chaos. You were determined to save Vanille and see your mission through; your Focus like you called it. I could relate to that because I had a mission of my own._

_We fought our way through Sanctum soldiers to reach Hope's place. Your battle prowess was impressive compared to your shooting skills. The strength, the power, the savagery that possessed you while you fought left me in awe. You were formidable and you earned my respect as a warrior._

_We stopped to catch our breath and that's when you told me why Serah turned to crystal. You and Vanille didn't do your job right. You had messed up and that's why my sister became a l'Cie. The way you apologized with such nonchalance... I wasn't even sure if you really meant it. From that moment on, my dislike for you turned into hate. You took the most important person in my life – my sister – away from me. She turned into a monster because of you. I became a fugitive, constantly on the run and unable to understand what I was supposed to do to save her because of you. My peaceful and uneventful life became a living hell because of you! I slapped you hard but in my head, I wanted to break your face; I wanted to make you suffer. I wanted you to know what it was like to lose your only family member. Little did I know how much you had lost already...? _

_And when you told me Snow already knew about this, I felt deeply betrayed. He should've hit you but he didn't. He sided with you and you guys became pals. But that's Snow alright. The big idiot always trusted people way too easily, unlike me. I certainly didn't trust you and I made sure to keep a close eye on you._

_All of us tried to figure out that damn Focus. During that Insane and incredible journey, my opinion about you changed. Yes you were brash and too cocky for your own good – and you still are – but as time went by I discovered a woman with amazing qualities. You're independent, you do your own thing and you don't care what others think. You're a fighter, a guardian and a protector. You're willing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good and for the ones you love, especially where Vanille is concerned. You can't stay indifferent to people's suffering or injustice. You care and you show your compassion with tough love. I know since I've been the recipient of it numerous times. Your determination can move mountains and even when everything seems lost, you keep going. You don't know what it means to quit, what it means to give up. Sometimes you can be so blinded by that determination of yours that it borders on stubbornness. It's something I can easily relate to because you can compete with me on that level. And let's not talk about your sarcastic sense of humor. I think you're one of the few who has been able to make me smile and laugh once in a while. You started as my enemy but as the days passed, you became an ally and later on, my friend._

_There were times where I observed you, hidden in the darkness after you relieved me from my watch. That's when you let your mask down. I saw you sigh loudly and pinch the bridge of your nose. You let the weight of our Focus rest heavily on your shoulders. I saw the exhaustion taking over as the firelight caught a tear falling down your cheek. And you cried. You cried in silence, your shoulders shaking slightly like true warriors do. Sometimes I cried with you. Right at the beginning, all of you appointed me leader. I didn't want that responsibility. I didn't consider myself good enough for that role but it's never a question of can or can't. There are things you just do. But I've always felt that you were right behind me, silently guiding me. You were the rock I could lean on when things got too tough. You were my anchor in a sea of insanity._

_Sometimes you think your friends will always be around. You think that no matter what happens they're here to stay. It's not taking them for granted but acknowledging them as elements of stability in your life. After you and Vanille became Ragnarok and saved Cocoon, I thought everything was over. It was so silent, so peaceful there was no way we had failed right? When I saw Serah and Dajh walk towards us, I knew we had succeeded. We had made the impossible, possible. I remembered you saying she would come back and she did. We'd all be reunited. You had kept your promise. I wanted to tell you that but when I looked around, you and Vanille were gone. _

_This writing exercise is tedious because it stirs up deep feelings and brings back memories. I don't like it but I shall continue nonetheless. When you woke up from your crystal slumber, my friendship with you changed. It became something more and it disturbed me a great deal. I'd watch you walk into a room and everybody would gather around you to get your attention. Your smile would light up that room and your deep laughter would bring a smile on my face. You'd wrap your arms around Vanille and laugh softly but I noticed your eyes would be on me. You'd wink at me and it would take all my self-control not to blush. What disturbs me more now is to realize that lately, I wish those arms would be wrapped around me. I wish I'd feel your breath on my neck, as you'd kiss it while I'd lean against you. I wish I'd hear your deep husky voice in my ear as you'd whisper sweet nothings to me. I wish I'd feel your skin against mine, your heat. I wish I'd be the one who'd get your undivided attention. I wish for... No. I don't dare saying it. It'll probably never happen anyway._

_And why would it happen? Why would want to be with someone like me? I'm not a party girl. I'm the quiet type who's uncomfortable being around people. Maker I don't like being around people period. Being in a crowd drains me. I'm a loner and I do my own thing. I'm quite lame to be honest. I prefer to stay in my corner, in the shadows and observe people. I'm a private person and I don't talk much. Hanging around me would probably bore you to death in the long run._

_You know Fang, when my parents passed away I had to grow up fast for Serah's sake. I didn't have time to let it sink in because in a matter of seconds; my childhood was stripped away from me. I had to let my dreams go. What I wanted didn't matter anymore because everything was for Serah. She had become my world, the reason why I was still here. I had to fight for her and protect her. I couldn't let her down. You can understand that since you act the same way with Vanille. After a while, your needs become irrelevant since you concentrate all of your energies on another person. You forget what it means to live for yourself and fulfill your dreams. That's what happened to me. In living for Serah, I stopped living for me. _

_When my parents died on that famous day, something also died within me. I loved them very much and the Maker took them away from me and with that, my capacity to love. I love Serah; she's my sister but I've never been in love with someone. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know how to express love on an intimate level. I have no idea how it works and to be honest, I don't even know if I'd be good at it and believe me, there's nothing more that I'd like than to let someone in. Unfortunately, I'm much better at pushing people away. Keeping others at bay is easier and it's safe. Over the years, I've built a wall around me. It's thick and very high. I did this to protect my heart because with the death of my parents, I learned that in the end, everybody leaves. If I let my feelings known to you, if I take that risk, you will leave eventually and I will end up alone and hurt. You left once when you became Ragnarok and I realized too late how much you meant to me. I've waited years for you to come out of stasis and during all this time, I hurt inside in silence and you weren't even mine! So how would it be if we were together? It would hurt too much and I don't think I'd be able to bear it. Part of me wants to tear down that wall and let you in but another part is scared and prefers to stay hidden behind it. It protects me but I'm also its prisoner. I want to be free but I don't know how anymore._

_So that's why you'll never read that letter. I'll keep it in a safe place, away from prying eyes. I won't tell you how I feel. I'll long for you in silence, hoping that maybe one day; you will show me what love is and save me from myself. For the time being, know that my heart beats only for you; it will always beat only for you._

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When Lightning set foot inside the café, she noticed Fang was busy writing something down. She frowned when her Pulsian friend noticed her and put her pen away quickly in the inner pocket of her leather jacket and folded the pages with shaking hands. Remembering what Fang had said about writing her thoughts on paper when things were too overwhelming for her, she wondered what could bother that much.

The soldier sat down, observing the woman that had captured her heart so long ago.

"Hey Light," the brunette said softly.

"Hey. Sorry for being late I had something to finish at work."

"That's okay. You want coffee?"

"Sure." She pointed with her chin at Fang's piece of paper, which she held tightly in her fist. "What were you writing?"

"Oh, nothing important."

Lightning shrugged. "Alright... If you say so."

THE END

The Pulsian smiled tenderly. "Yeah I say so but maybe one day, I'll let you read all about it."


End file.
